Basmati Rice, Bedroom Doors and Sasuke
by Mass Effecting Your Pants
Summary: Naruto x Sasuke, Romance, Humour, Entirely Purposeful Misuse of Sexy No Jutsu. How did his screaming at Sasuke that he could pay for his own shopping in the supermarket turn in to some paperback novel romantic rendezvous? And when the hell did they go dancing! As well Naruto knew he wasn't wearing some sequinned dress yesterday.


_There is something about shoving Sasuke out of his comfort zone that is just. So. Appealing XD And LOOK! It's my obligatory Sexy no Jutsu fic! Fun doesn't even come close to describe how much I enjoyed writing this._

* * *

_**Bedroom Doors, Basmati Rice and Sasuke**_

Naruto mumbled under his breath in annoyance and growing anger as he shifted his armful of shopping, glaring at the back of the floozy several customers ahead of him. The girl was doing her best to flirtily coerce the pimply cashier in to ringing up her goods, but the blushing checkout boy was standing surprisingly firm. Naruto sighed in agitation, his patience evaporating like a majority of the customers in line behind him.

"For fuck's sake!" he declared loudly, earning the attention of almost the entire supermarket. "Are you deaf as well as blind, lady?! Twelve items or less! Read the goddamn sign! Now get your ass out of line, hey, some of us have got more important things to do than stand around waiting for you. Geez, talk about inconsiderate."

The entire queue of customers in line for the so-called express checkout mumbled in agreement, causing the girl holding up the queue to flush before quickly grabbing her shopping basket. Naruto sighed in relief as the express line began moving forward again, feeling a tad guilty at embarrassing the girl but not dwelling on it for long since he hated shopping and, as such, still felt narky. He glanced over his shoulder at the rumble of a familiar low chuckle and narrowed bright blue eyes at Uchiha standing next in line behind him.

Naruto wrinkled up his nose. "Oh, it's you."

Sasuke seemed surprised for a moment. "Me?"

Naruto rolled his eyes as he shifted his shopping again; he was beginning to regret not grabbing a basket. Well, if had foreseen some chick trying to skank her way through the twelve-items-or-less checkout with at least twice that amount, he would have used a basket. But he couldn't so he didn't and now he was getting shitty.

"My, my, so eloquent, Sasuke," he replied sarcastically. "It's no wonder women fall at your feet without abandon. Truly, it's no wonder."

He could feel the death glare attempting to burn a hole in his back but was so used to it that it barely registered, especially in his pissy state. It lightened his mood somewhat when the line moved forward as the cashier called for the next customer.

"Do you need help with your purchases?"

Naruto swivelled his body to stand sideways in line to glare at his teammate. What the hell kind of game was Uchiha trying to play with him?!

"Do I look like I need help?! Do you see me dropping anything?! I'm sure I'm quite capable of handling my shopping, thank you very much," he snapped, but Sasuke seemed to be less than put off by Naruto's attitude.

In fact, it seemed to only spur him on.

"The express queue is hardly being fast enough to warrant the name," Uchiha began again as he directed Naruto's attention to a normal checkout that was empty. "If we combine our shopping we could go through there and be out of here."

Naruto stared at Sasuke. "That's…actually a good idea."

He broke out of the express line, Sasuke a few steps beside him, and dumped his purchases unceremoniously on the checkout conveyor belt. The cashier barely spared Naruto a glance before she flirted unashamedly with the clan survivor, apparently multitasking as she rang up their items. Sasuke steadfastly ignored her, which would normally irritate Naruto to no end, but this girl was _embarrassing_. He stifled a stray chuckle with a cough when his teammate replied to the cashier.

"Hm? Did you say something?"

The girl was clearly unimpressed with the cold shoulder and, to Naruto's relief, finished her job in silence. When she spat out the total, he fumbled through his pockets for his froggie but Sasuke was already handing over the correct amount.

"Hey, bastard!" he yelled, still searching his pockets. "I can pay for my own fucking food, y'know!"

Uchiha leaned away from his loud teammate but didn't seem displeased by the outburst.

"Well, you can pay me back by buying me lunch sometime."

Naruto spluttered ineloquently, grabbing his bags as the other teen thrust them in to his hands. Finally he settled on glaring.

"You are a bastard."

"So I've been told."

Naruto stomped toward the exit, blinking in the sudden afternoon brightness before heading home. He glared at his teammate still walking beside him.

"Did you suddenly forget where you live?"

Sasuke smirked, his bags swinging slightly as they walked. "I want to know where _you_ live."

It occurred to him that Sasuke indeed had no idea where he lived since he never had reason to visit. And Naruto wanted to keep it that way.

"Well too bad," he growled, and transported to his doorstep with a 'poof'.

Was it just him or had his teammate acted rather out of character? Naruto let himself in, slamming the door behind him before haphazardly putting away his purchases. Walking past the bathroom, he paused when he caught sight of his reflection and stared, realising and remembering. He laughed hysterically, before releasing the technique he hardly ever went grocery shopping without.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Sasuke resisted the urge to tap his foot impatiently as he watched some girl attempt to flirt her way through the checkout. He wouldn't care so much if the girl was holding up a queue he wasn't standing in. And this was the only express lane. He smirked as the customer in front of him shifted her armful of items with a mumbled curse. Sasuke was very glad he always used a basket when he shopped. Not usually for when idiotic people got it in their heads to go through the express checkout with more items than the sign explicitly stated, but that was the reason right now. He cocked his head to the side with an amused quirk to his lips as the customer before him apparently reached the end of her patience.

"For fuck's sake!" she yelled at what Uchiha thought was quite possibly the top of her lungs. "Are you deaf as well as blind, lady?! Twelve items or less! Read the goddamn sign! Now get your ass out of line, hey, some of us have got more important things to do than stand around waiting for you. Geez, talk about inconsiderate."

This statement, albeit screamed, was basically along the lines of what everyone else seemed to be thinking, the clan survivor included. His smirk widened, and he couldn't help but chuckle as the embarrassed flirt hurried to a normal checkout. Well, he figured, that's what she gets for holding up a line of harried shoppers. The girl who had scared the flirt away suddenly looked over her shoulder at him. He gazed at her coolly, fully expecting her to blush and coo and glomp him like practically every other girl in Konoha. Instead, she scrunched up her nose in disdain.

"Oh, it's you."

That…wasn't what he was expecting at all. "Me?"

He felt a flush of irritation that this girl had surprised him and thrown him off guard easily. He even felt slightly put out that he didn't seem to have any effect on her like the rest of the female population, not that he would admit that out loud.

"My, my, so eloquent, Sasuke," she replied, her tone mocking. "It's no wonder women fall at your feet without abandon. Truly, it's no wonder."

Uchiha glared at the girl, who didn't appear to care that the teen was burning a hole through the back of her head with his stare. Suddenly he realised that here was a girl who knew who he was and didn't give a flying fuck. Maybe she wasn't from Konoha? That didn't seem likely. Perhaps she was a civilian? He couldn't recall seeing her at the academy. And Sasuke wasn't blind; the girl was hot. Though this was slightly marred by her obvious lack of fashion sense. Not that Sasuke cared about something so superficial; he wore arm covers for fuck's sake, which Sakura had hinted on numerous occasions were at least ten years out of fashion. He had never been interested in girls before; they threw themselves at him all of the time. Where was the fun in that? But here was one who was totally not interested…which only intrigued him.

"Do you need help with your purchases?"

Had he _really_ said that? When the blond girl turned to stare at him as though he had sprouted another head, he was certain he _had_ said it. Well, it was a reasonable question with a not-so-hidden offer since she didn't have a basket and he did.

"Do I look like I need help?! Do you see me dropping anything?! I'm sure I'm quite capable of handling my shopping, thank you very much," she snapped, but Sasuke wasn't going to be put off.

Never had he met a girl who would reject that kind of offer from him. In fact, the more this girl resisted the more he wanted to know about her. She was still scowling at him when he gestured to a free checkout a couple of aisles away.

"The express queue is hardly being fast enough to warrant the name. If we combine our shopping we could go through there and be out of here."

Sasuke watched as the girl's expression moved from annoyed to thoughtful.

"That's…actually a good idea," she relented, staring at him with slight surprise.

He smirked as the girl immediately left the line and practically threw her shopping on the conveyor belt. Sasuke added his items to the pile much more carefully, discreetly watching the girl out of the corner of his eye. She lounged against the edge of the conveyor, smiling slightly about something. It suddenly occurred to Sasuke that, while the girl had been less than pleasant to him, she was completely at ease in his presence. That, he thought, counted for something.

He glanced at the cashier with a frown. "Hm? Did you say something?"

The cashier huffed as she continued to ring up their items, but Uchiha's attention was again drawn to his companion when she giggled, unsuccessfully smothering it with a cough. A moment later the girl behind the register ground out their shopping total, Sasuke immediately flicking through his wallet to hand her the correct amount. He stifled a smirk as the girl screeched beside him, still fumbling for her own money.

"Hey, bastard! I can pay for my own fucking food, y'know!"

The clan survivor picked up their shopping bags, thinking that the whole situation couldn't have worked out much better than if he had planned it from the very beginning.

"Well, you can pay me back by buying me lunch sometime."

He gave the girl her share of the groceries as she spluttered, finally speechless. She didn't blush though, causing Sasuke to make that one of his private goals. Eventually she glared at him before grumbling toward the exit.

"You are a bastard."

"So I've been told."

She had indirectly accepted that she had to repay him with lunch, but he still had no idea who the hell she was. Sadly, his courage was waning since he had never done anything like this before. He couldn't even use the apparently tried and tested opener of swapping names and addresses since the girl already knew who he was, and didn't care anyway. Instead he walked silently beside her, wondering what the fuck he should do now. Sasuke glanced at the other teen when he felt her annoyed glare.

"Did you suddenly forget where you live?"

Her tone was mocking again under her irritation, and the clan survivor kicked himself mentally. Of course she would know where his house was since the whole village knew he still lived at the empty Uchiha compound. But again, he turned the situation in his favour.

"I want to know where _you_ live."

"Well too bad."

Sasuke wanted to know exactly how she planned on not revealing where she lived when he was here and not leaving until he got either her name or address…when she suddenly disappeared. He stood still for a moment as the cloud left behind cleared, a little shocked that she was in fact a ninja. But that was perfect, he figured, though he was sure he would remember a girl like that during his academy years. Perhaps she was as skilled as Kakashi and became a jounin at a young age. Maybe she was even ANBU. Sasuke certainly wasn't going to ask around; that would be plain embarrassing. Still, as he turned around to walk back to the compound, it was rather exciting to think that this girl could possibly be a match for him in skill. But that thought wasn't nearly as interesting as the challenge of finding the mysterious blond again.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Naruto skipped toward the bridge to meet the rest of his team, positively cheerful and slightly giggly. He couldn't help it. He had passed several groups of early morning gossipers, and Sasuke spotted with a 'mysterious blond' was the topic of most conversations he 'accidentally' overheard.

God, he giggled manically, if they only knew…Sasuke included.

He was going to hold this over his teammate forever. Cracking on to him in a checkout queue…it was fucking _hilarious_. Though he would have to spill why he actually used his Sexy no Jutsu while grocery shopping, which would put a slight dampener on his mirth. It was hardly his fault that a minority of Konoha didn't particularly think of him as a bosom buddy due to the fox, and he had played one too many pranks on the rest.

So, okay, maybe it was a _little_ Naruto's fault that he had to transform to ensure he wasn't kicked out of most of the stores on the main street, but still. Though he had discovered that there were way more advantages to being a hot blond girl than plain Naruto Uzumaki…for example a great many freebies from a simple pout or a sweet story about not being able to afford a present for his mother.

There was the occasional _unwanted_ freebie in the form of a grope to his behind by pervy old men, but these were few and far between. And all he had to do was scream and point at the perv, then dozens of guys would come to his aid. All in all, it was a good system that worked well. Especially so since as a result, he had more money to spend at Ichiraku. It's not like it was his fault that he made a sizzling hot babe. However, Sasuke's attraction was a surprise…and fucking hilarious!

Naruto dissolved in to a fit of hysterics again, schooling his expression once it had passed as he approached the bridge. Sasuke was usually last to arrive, excluding Kakashi who ran on his own schedule that seemed to be at least two hours behind everyone else's. So it was the lone figure of Sakura that Naruto joined with a bright 'good morning'. Sakura appeared anything but cheerful, so he figured she had heard the rumours. He felt a little guilty at that moment. He hadn't even considered his pink-haired teammate's feelings in hanging shit on Uchiha. She, of course, would be upset that Sasuke was showing interest in a girl that wasn't her. Naruto wisely decided to broach the subject carefully.

"So," he began hesitantly. "Did you hear-"

"Damn you, INO-PIG!" Sakura suddenly screamed, causing Naruto to jump about a foot in to the air. "I can't believe she got Sasuke-kun! I can't believe it! Do you believe it, Naruto?"

He quaked slightly under his friend's mad stare. "Um, Ino? That's not what I heard-"

Immediately Sakura's eyes were alight with hope and interest as she paid more attention to her teammate. "Why, Naruto, what did you hear? I heard he was seen in a passionate embrace with a tall, blond, blue-eyed goddess in a gorgeous sequinned lavender gown and that when they danced he dipped her like in the movies and kissed her so tenderly and romantically."

Sakura sighed dreamily as she imagined the romantic scene, clearly forgetting she was supposed to be upset, while Naruto boggled at her. How did his screaming at Sasuke that he could pay for his own shopping in the supermarket turn in to some paperback novel romantic rendezvous? And when the fuck did they go dancing? Hell, Naruto knew he wasn't wearing some sequinned dress yesterday.

Even if he transformed in to a girl, he never wore a skirt or dress; he just couldn't bring himself to. Instead he wondered how many other totally exaggerated stories were floating around, and he suddenly didn't feel like sharing the private knowledge that he was the mystery woman. He valued his life thankyouverymuch, and he could just imagine the Uchiha fangirls howling for blood. In any case, his insanely good mood had dissipated as he jumped to sit on the bridge railing. The whole situation wasn't nearly as funny as it had been several moments ago. But what really made it far from amusing was when Sasuke arrived minutes later, said a never before heard 'good morning' to his teammates…and smiled.

Sakura managed to stutter a reply greeting but Naruto could only stare. It wasn't a huge grin like his or a happy smile like Sakura's. It was like…seeing Sai smile for real for the first time. Naruto could remember that clearly. And now he frowned. Sasuke still had a quirk to his lips as he leant against the railing between his teammates. It was unconscious. Involuntary. He couldn't not smile. But this wasn't good _at all_, Naruto thought desperately. Of course he wanted to see his friend happy after the pain he had been through…but not with his Sexy no Jutsu form! He would just have to not use it any more. Stop it before Sasuke got any ideas. Naruto nodded to himself. Sasuke had only met 'her' once, and Naruto had been acting like himself since it had momentarily slipped his mind that he was in female form. So his teammate shouldn't have felt too strongly about some bitchy girl he only just met. Some girl who really doesn't actually exist because hell, she didn't have a name or a past. His mind made up, Naruto nodded again. He contemplated ditching the technique for a while, but realised that it might be ideal to invent a new Sexy no Jutsu look anyway. Nothing drastic, just a hair and eye colour change should do.

Kakashi suddenly appeared with a loud 'poof'. "Yo."

Their sensei didn't do or say anything that clued him in, but Naruto just knew that Kakashi knew something was up with his team. It was probably when Sakura and he remained silent while Sasuke said the traditional 'you're late'.

The day carried out like any other after that though, with the four pitting their skills against each other in different grouping scenarios. Naruto sighed deeply with relief when Kakashi dismissed them for the afternoon; it gave him time to practice changing his Sexy no Jutsu. He waved goodbye to his sensei and teammates before hurrying to Ichiraku, downing a couple of bowls of ramen before swiftly heading home.

He stood in front of the mirror, eyeing his reflection critically. Most of the women in the village were a variation of brunette, so Naruto figured he could blend in more with brown hair and eyes. What he was trying to do, however, was achieve the golden honey-brown colour of Tsunade's eyes for his own. He didn't really know why he was bothering so much with making his female form pretty, but he supposed he was somewhat vain in that regard. And the old hag had a nice eye colour, Naruto admitted, though he'd never give her the satisfaction of knowing that. Thinking of the Hokage gave him the idea of basing his hair colour on Shizune's. Transforming in to his new female form, Naruto admired his work appreciatively.

"Heeey, pretty good! If I do say so myself!" Naruto said proudly before grinning cheekily at his reflection. "I'm so hot."

He released the technique, feeling much more at ease but promised himself not to shop where he met Sasuke for a while…just in case.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Sasuke sighed as he picked up a one kilo packet of rice, depositing it in his basket. It was embarrassing and he would vehemently deny it if challenged but yes, he had been buying his rice in small amounts so he would have to shop more. Almost every day to be precise in the hopes of 'suddenly' and 'unexpectedly' bumping in to the girl who refused to leave his thoughts. It was beyond embarrassing that she had managed to lodge herself in his mind after a single meeting of only fifteen minutes, and almost four weeks later he was beginning to feel rather stupid and crazy over his actions. Shopping practically every day?! He shook his head as he picked up his one kilo rice and dumped it back on the shelf. It was impractical and much more expensive. Sasuke bent down and easily hefted a fifteen kilo bag of basmati rice in to his basket. No more, he slapped himself mentally, it was stupid. But another part of him hoped to see her again; even hear her scream-

"Are you deaf, asshole?! I said if you touch my ass again I'll beat the living shit out of you, you fucking perv!"

Sasuke nodded, yeah she would probably yell something like that. He blinked and almost suffered whiplash as he spun to face the voice, seeing what he had been hoping to find the past month.

Her…different but definitely her.

And so angry he could sense her chakra this time. By the looks of it, she really was going to beat the stuffing out of the idiotic guy, who didn't have a clue that she wasn't bluffing. Sasuke strode forward confidently, not about to pass up this perfect opportunity. Before the pervert could lean forward to grope the blond-turned-brunette once more, Sasuke grabbed him by the collar and swung the man forward until their noses were almost touching. He didn't mean for it to happen but his Sharingan was spinning like crazy. That's when he noticed he was incredibly pissed off and found smacking the pervert highly appealing.

"Leave now if you know what's good for you," he ground out before pushing the shaking man away.

Sasuke watched the scared guy flee, a little sad about not punching his face in.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Shit, was pretty much all Naruto could think. _Shit_. So much for avoiding Sasuke. He knew that his teammate recognised him under the brown hues. He mentally slapped himself. God, he should've changed everything about his Sexy no Jutsu appearance; Sasuke wasn't as stupid as he wished he was.

He picked up his forgotten shopping basket, mostly for something to do as Sasuke looked at him. Naruto didn't really know what to say, so he settled on his usual sort of comeback.

"Nyah whatever, Sasuke," he glared at the other teen before crossing his arms and looking away pointedly. "I would've kicked his ass to the Land of Waves without your interference."

Sasuke smirked slightly as he shifted his own basket. "That's why I told him to leave if he knew what was good for him."

Naruto couldn't help but chuckle at that. It was different to hear Uchiha make a joke of something rather than provoke him. It was also the closest Naruto had heard Sasuke acknowledge his ability…not that he was recognising _his_ skill really.

"You look different," the clan survivor commented as Naruto began walking.

The other teen sighed. He hadn't even finished his grocery shopping and now he was stuck with Sasuke.

"I guess," he answered vaguely, scanning the aisle signs for noodles. "I wanted to blend in a little better."

"Well you do stand out," Naruto glanced sideways at Uchiha sharply and was dismayed to see a slight blush. "Uh, that is to say…your screaming generally attracts attention."

Naruto felt like he was in a hole, digging and digging to get out but only making things worse. Why was Sasuke doing this? Go away, he mentally screamed at his teammate. Stop getting deeper in to what ever this is! There's nothing here! God, he wasn't even doing anything but Sasuke kept coming. It was unexpected and awkward. Why did he have to focus on him, of all the free girls in Konoha?!

Naruto suddenly had an epiphany.

Girls would literally throw themselves at the Sharingan user. It disgusted Sasuke. He could do that! Naruto frowned, thinking that it could also go the wrong way since the situation was so far out of his control. He couldn't risk that. That would be beyond bad. The only thing he could think of to stop this was to tell Sasuke the truth. Yes, Sasuke would hate him…probably even kill him for the blow to his pride, but all of this would stop. Naruto rubbed a hand over his face nervously.

"Hey, Sas-"

"You still owe me lunch," Sasuke quirked his lips. "After you've finished your shopping?"

Naruto almost refused outright, but then he thought about it. It would be a good time to spill the beans. He glanced at the other teen, dismayed to find him watching him expectantly.

"Ah, okay, I guess," he replied eventually, hesitantly so Sasuke wouldn't fully relax. "I do owe you after all."

No one else would have seen it, but Naruto sensed Uchiha droop slightly. He didn't realise Sasuke could be this sensitive. It was unsettling and making him more nervous.

Sasuke was _definitely_ going to kill him.

"How about that place on the other side of the street from the laundromat?" Naruto suggested, knowing it was a favourite eating venue for Uchiha.

As he expected, Sasuke perked up slightly at the suggestion but his face remained a mask as he nodded. The last of their shopping was done in silence, though not entirely uncomfortably so, and since neither of them purchased any cold foodstuffs they headed directly to lunch. Naruto was trying to think of what to say every step of the way, coming up blank. It didn't help that Sasuke could be so nice. When they were led to their table Uchiha pulled the chair out for Naruto, who sat down when he finally realised the seat was for him. It was so _surreal_.

And Sasuke was _definitely_ going to kill him. No doubt about it.

A waiter handed them menus with a flourish and Naruto quickly seized it, burying his head behind it.

"The sushi is really good here," Naruto heard his teammate say softly. "And the soup."

As usual, Naruto lost his head when food was involved. He pushed his menu away and stared at his friend.

"Yeah? What else is good here?" he asked, leaning over the table slightly.

Sasuke graced him with a slight smile, putting down his own menu. "Well, I don't normally eat sweet food, but the dango here is an exception."

Naruto gaped, incredulous. "It's _that_ good?!"

"Definitely," the other boy nodded seriously. "My favourite, though, would have to be the sashimi, but their ramen isn't too-"

"Ramen?!" Naruto exclaimed loudly before he could stop himself.

He flushed when Sasuke raised an eyebrow, looking rather amused. "You like ramen?"

He saw no use in denying it after such a scene and nodded, adding, "Especially miso."

Naruto missed the odd look Sasuke shot him as he retrieved his menu, his reason for accepting lunch mostly forgotten.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Sasuke watched the girl opposite him all through their lunch. She was exceptionally easy to get along with, and he found himself chuckling often during their conversation. Not that he spoke as much as his date. Something was bothering him though. She seemed so familiar, and yet he would have remembered meeting such a girl.

During a short silence when a waiter brought some more dango to their table, Sasuke took the opportunity to surprise the girl with his question.

"Have we met before that time in the express lane?"

Her first reaction was instantaneous and answer enough. She choked on her dango briefly before darting her eyes away for a moment.

"No," was her short answer.

Liar, was Sasuke's thought, or she was at least hiding something. But why would she lie? He didn't call her on the falseness of her answer, merely nodded. It wasn't as though she was on this lunch date for any reason other than to repay him…she had made that _painfully_ clear. Neither did she appear to have anything to gain from the situation.

And yet, as he watched her more, she seemed to enjoy his company. And she talked to him like they had been friends for years. Who _are_ you, Sasuke wanted to know. That reminded him that he still didn't know her name …but he was certain what ever she would reply with would be a lie too.

Instead he observed her mannerisms, remembering what she was like when they first met. She swore too much for a girl, Sasuke was certain of that. Hell, she swore more than him! She ate more than he did as well, which was rather refreshing since half of the girls he knew where on a diet of some kind. He knew girls their age were fussy about their appearance, about being neat and attractive, but this girl didn't give a damn. Uchiha could tell she wasn't wearing a hint of make-up nor did she have any decoration in her hair, not even a hairtie since it hung loosely around her face.

He liked her hair much more when it was blond though, and her eyes that sparkling blue.

Not that the girl actually needed any enhancing, Sasuke thought appreciatively. The only jewellery he could see was the shine of a necklace that disappeared in to her cleav- Sasuke jerked his eyes up. Really, Uchiha thought suspiciously, the only feminine aspect about the girl was exactly that, she was quite clearly physically female. Everything else was so…so…_Naruto_…

Sasuke's eyes widened at the unexpected thought. No way. Really? _No!_ _Not_ possible! But…it made him nervous how much it made sense…her indifference when they first met, how she spoke, the attitude, the quite frankly awful grasp of fashion…

"_Oh, it's you."_

"_My, my, so eloquent, Sasuke. It's no wonder women fall at your feet without abandon. Truly, it's no wonder."_

"_Hey, bastard! I can pay for my own fucking food, y'know!"_

"_Are you deaf, asshole?! I said if you touch my ass again I'll beat the living shit out of you, you fucking perv!"_

"_Nyah whatever, Sasuke. I would've kicked his ass to the Land of Waves without your interference."_

_Oh. My. God_. Sasuke tried to chill but the harsh reality of being attracted to _this_ girl, of the thousands of girls in the village, was making him verge on panic. What the hell was he supposed to do now?! It kept popping up in Sasuke's mind that the only real difference between the girl in front of him and Naruto was breasts and a slightly higher voice. He pushed the thought away viciously and decided that this was Naruto's fault _entirely_…somehow. His pride demanded this conclusion.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Naruto glanced up midway exclamation about how fucking awesome the dango was at this restaurant but was halted completely by the glare on Uchiha's face and the way he was on his feet, leaning over the table as he gripped the edges of it.

"Naruto," Sasuke said levelly.

Naruto's eyes widened as his jaw fell open slightly. Sasuke knew and Sasuke was going to beat him to a bloody, mushy pulp were the only two thoughts that pierced his mind at that moment.

"You're related to Naruto," Sasuke spoke again, his glare losing its venom slightly. "Are you living with him at the moment?"

Naruto continued to gape, unsure whether to laugh hysterically with relief at not being found out or question Sasuke's genius status. He thought his teammate was aware he had no living family that either of them knew of, and Naruto had been certain that Sasuke wasn't seriously this thick. Honestly, Naruto knew how much his Sexy no Jutsu looked like him, though sans his trademark whiskers when he learnt how to make them disappear with the technique, and couldn't seriously believe that Uchiha hadn't seen through his transformation, especially with the amount of times the kyuubi container had slipped up. He was, however, incredibly relieved that he wasn't a smear of blood on the floor…which was probably why he was nodding stupidly to Sasuke's statement.

Well, he attempted to appease his conscience, he _did_ live with himself.

"I thought so," Sasuke nodded to himself as well before continuing with the rest of his lunch.

Naruto sat there dumbly until his teammate stood, picking up his groceries. "I'm sorry but I need to head home. May I call on you at Naruto's apartment another time?"

"Uuuuh…"

Sasuke seemed to take that as an agreement of some kind as he dipped his head slightly before leaving. Once he was gone, Naruto realised a lot of things…most of which made his situation worse. The clan survivor knew where he lived! He couldn't remember ever inviting Sakura or Sasuke to his apartment, though he supposed he may have mentioned it at some point. And Sasuke thought he was sharing his home with some girl related to him…and wanted to visit for that exact reason.

Naruto felt his breathing quicken in what might have been his first ever panic attack. Uchiha hadn't mentioned when he would visit either…he had left his proposition open specifically so he could drop in when ever the hell he wanted. Naruto covered his face with his hands, focusing on calming himself down. It was difficult as he was beginning to realise that he was too far in to this charade Sasuke had managed to pull him in to to just tell his teammate that he was the she and thus she didn't exist.

What the hell was he supposed to do? How the hell was he going to get out of this _alive_?

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Naruto had a wonderful idea planned out by the next day after training to solve his rather strange dilemma. He could use his Kage Bunshin and the Sexy Jutsu together! Then girl!Naruto would leave Konoha forever – in that after making sure Sasuke saw her leave, Naruto would dispel the clone and his problem would be solved!

It was flawless!

It was brilliant!

It probably would have worked if Sasuke didn't turn up on his doorstep right then.

"Oh…hi Sasuke," Naruto managed weakly, not quite quick enough nor smart enough to dispel the Sexy Jutsu clone behind him. "I thought you went home after training."

Then Naruto knew that this was do or die when Sasuke began saying something, but was fast distracted by the Sexy Jutsu clone who, Naruto realised, had a distinctly caught in the headlights type expression. Probably because it was a clone of him, despite the gender, and that's _exactly_ how Naruto felt upon seeing Sasuke. But he had to let his clone know that The Plan was Go so this ridiculous situation didn't spiral in to chaos any further, and do it so Naruto still kept his _life_.

"Uh, sorry Sasuke but-" _need a name! _"Kushina-" _Ugh, I'm going to hell!_ "is going home today so we can't really chat-"

Naruto was both trying to close the door on Sasuke to buy some time and dart meaningful glares at his Sexy Jutsu clone, who caught on faster than Naruto expected considering it was, well, him; but found himself stumbling backwards when his teammate forcefully invited himself in.

"Kushina?" Sasuke murmured, but flushed and darted a glance at Naruto before continuing. "You're leaving? Today?"

"Uh..." the clone stalled, looking to Naruto for confirmation. "Yes. Sorry. Right now actually. So I'll-"

Naruto tensed because Sasuke moved _fast_.

"Wait," he was saying, suddenly holding girl!Naruto's wrist but looking at Naruto with an expression that screamed embarrassed and don't-tell-anyone-about-this-or-I'll-kill-you. "Can I just have a quick word with Kushina? Uh, in private?"

No, Naruto thought immediately. Abso-fucking-lutely _not_. What part of that was even remotely _close_ to a good idea?! But then he looked at his teammate's face and thought that he probably ought to give the guy some sort of closure at least. And Sasuke had proved himself to be a gentleman, Naruto conceded, so it wasn't likely he'd do anything rash.

"Right," he said eventually, still against his better judgement. "I'll give you guys a few minutes."

Sasuke nodded, relieved and still obviously embarrassed. Naruto went to his bedroom and closed the door to give Sasuke some privacy...which, Naruto realised after a moment, wasn't going to matter since he would know everything when his clone was dispelled. Still, right now, he could pretend that wasn't the case...and hope like hell his teammate didn't pour his heart out to his clone.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Sasuke watched Naruto disappear to his room before tugging Kushina down to sit beside him on his teammate's couch. He was intensely relieved that Naruto hadn't done anything moronic and/or embarrassing.

He stared at the _only_ girl he'd ever been interested in, dismayed at himself and the fact that she was leaving. She was fiddling with the jewel on her necklace nervously, avoiding his gaze. She was nervous..?

Sasuke's eyes widened as he had an epiphany.

"You weren't going to tell me you were leaving, were you?"

Kushina's hand at her neck froze as she faced him slowly. "...No."

Sasuke's whole body relaxed and he released a short chuckle, shaking his head as it all _made sense_. "I could tell you must've felt something since you were so comfortable in my company, but you should have just _told_ me."

Kushina's voice shook slightly. "T-told you?"

Fucked if Sasuke knew what he should do when it came to matters of the heart, but all he knew was this girl was _special_ and he had to let her know that somehow...without making a _complete_ idiot of himself.

"So what if you weren't going to be in Konoha long," he began, feeling and hating the flush in his face as he stared at his hand still around Kushina's wrist. "That's not any reason to not start something is it? I mean, I've never met a girl like you before. It was enough just to have met-"

Sasuke cut himself off with a barely audible groan, so incredibly _glad_ that he had asked Naruto to leave them so he didn't see _this_: the Uchiha love train derailing, crashing and burning _spectacularly_. This was _so_ mortifying in _so_ many ways, mostly because it was crystal clear he was muddling through this and failing. _Epically_.

"Start something?" Kushina repeated distantly.

When Sasuke glanced at her it was to see her blushing, fidgeting and looking generally uncomfortable until her face suddenly cleared, and she stared at him with wide eyes.

"Yes! I mean, uh, you're exactly right!"

Sasuke could feel his embarrassment seep away as Kushina continued talking, a weight off of his chest that he had been _right_ and he could _breathe_ properly again.

"That's why I was such a bitch to you, you know? I had to push you away because, well I mean, what would be the point of, uh, starting a relationship when I was only in the village for like a few weeks and would never being coming back? You see, there's no point."

Kushina sucked in a breath and held it as she stared at him, clearly waiting for him to say something.

"You're wrong," Sasuke said firmly, pulling on her wrist to bring her slightly closer. "Just because it wouldn't be for long doesn't mean we couldn't have _something_."

Kushina started speaking but he interrupted her. "You like me?"

"Of course," she said immediately and Sasuke's heart soared to finally hear her say it. "Ah _shit_! I mean, not like th-"

This time he interrupted her with a kiss.

DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO – DATTEBAYO

Naruto was sitting on his bed, his foot jiggling up and down anxiously as he checked his bedside clock every few seconds. It hadn't been even five minutes, but he didn't really want to leave Sasuke alone with his clone for too long. Naruto had a tendency to fuck things up more than they already were, and since 'Kushina' was an extension of himself, it was highly likely she was fucking things up right this very second.

Naruto jumped to his feet. It had been long enou-

"HOLY FUCK!" he stumbled and landed flat on his face as his clone's memories and experiences slammed in to his mind.

Sasuke had _kissed_ his clone. It hadn't been a long kiss since the shock had obviously caused 'Kushina' to dispel herself, but it was a kiss nevertheless.

Naruto was a twitchy gobsmacked mess on his bedroom floor when the inevitable happened. He heard the screeching chakra first, and then his door was nothing but an electrified mutilated hole in the wall, making his apartment much more open-plan living than it ought to be.

Somehow, Naruto thought to himself forlornly as Sasuke advanced, he just knew this whole situation would end up with him dead.

"You," Sasuke ground out as he stood above his teammate, obviously beyond pissed in to dimensions of Fucking Angry Naruto had never witnessed before.

"H-hey waitaminute," he tried, not making any sudden movements to shorten his lifespan further. "I tried to tell you, Sasuke!"

Uchiha bent forward and yanked Naruto to his feet, glaring furiously and holding him by the collar with both hands to dangle Naruto off the ground in an effective display of See How Pissed Off I Am. Oh, Naruto saw.

"You don't understand!" Naruto gasped desperately in a last ditch effort to save his skin. "I _really_ tried to tell you and make you go away! It wasn't a joke or anything, Sasuke, _fuck_ I wouldn't screw you over with something like this!"

Sasuke's glare eased, but not by much.

"Honestly honest!" Naruto pleaded as he carefully tried to loosen the hands far too close to his neck. "I never would-"

"You know, I thought I was normal."

Naruto found his feet quickly when Uchiha dropped him, a tad confused. "...Huuuuh?"

Sasuke barked out a short laugh, running a hand through his hair agitatedly as he glared at Naruto. "I thought I might have been fucking _normal_. A normal _heterosexual_ guy. But it was still just _you_."

"...Wha?" Naruto managed through his complete confusion. "I'm sorry, Sasuke, but there isn't a lot that's normal about you."

Then he back-pedalled, and what the clan survivor said smacked in to Naruto with all the subtlety of a life-changing moment, such as it were.

"Fucking _what_ did you just say?" he asked quickly, eyes widening as Sasuke's hands darted out and grabbed his collar again.

He yanked Naruto forward until their foreheads were almost touching, and Naruto wasn't scared for his life any more in so much as he was concerned for his virtue.

"You owe me," Sasuke said, voice thrown low and threatening. "You owe me a month's worth of _basmati rice_. You owe me a proper fucking _lunch date_ and you owe me a proper fucking _kiss_."

"_What_?!" Naruto squeaked out, until he realised, "Is that you asking me _out_?"

Sasuke's cheeks flushed but his glare didn't waver. "And what if it is?"

Naruto considered this for a long moment. "Hmm, then I suppose I accept, but you owe me a _bedroom door_."

Sasuke hmphed. "Forget the rice and we'll call it even."


End file.
